What If???????

It has been a really tough week. If you read my husbands blog, you know that my friend passed away yesterday. Never before in my life have I felt more responsible for the life of someone else. Everyday my friend came by the pharmacy and said "lets take our blood pressure." I always laughed, I have never had blood pressure problems, but he did and expected me to take it with him everyday. It soon became a game, we would guess who would have the best BP, even though he had taken BP meds before he came to work. Yesterday, we took our BP and his was 74/44. That seemed terrible low. I told him to take it again, and once again it was 72/44. I took mine to see if the machine was wacked out, and mine was normal. I told him to come back in about 30 minutes or so and take it again. Same thing only his pulse rate was 136. I asked him if felt dizzy or light headed, and he said yes. We were having normal conversation but he didn't seem right. He went back to work, but I was terrribly worried about him. I talked to the pharmacist, they told me to keep an eye on him. I was going to have him come back and take his
BP again before I took him home. He isn't able to drive, so when his friend can't take him home, then typically I do, which is not very often. Today was a day I was going to have to take him home. It was 11:30 and he goes home at 12, I began looking for him but could not find him. I asked around and no one seemed to know. His friend said he had just heard that he passed out in the parking lot, he came to and was waiting for his brother to take him home. Management did not seem to know what was going on, no one seemed to know if he had already left, if he was going to the doctor or what? I went outside but he was already gone. I tried to call him several times and no answer, I talked to the pharmacist again and told them what happened and they said I should try to find out if he is OK. I was going to go to his house and check on him but I could not contact him, I thought I would wait until I got off work and tried to continue to call. I called my husband and told him what was going on, he seemed concerned. I told management I was really worried about him, but I don't think they truly understood my concerns. About 2:30 I was working in the back, and a member a management yelled for me to come to the office. I could tell something was wrong, and as they tried to take me to the office I just stopped in the hall way and asked if it was Johnny, he was in tears and said he just passed away around 1 o'clock. He could have died in my truck, I could have gone to his house and found him dead, never before have I came so close to having to deal with something like this. I felt responsible for not making him go to the doctor. It has been really hard to cope with. I keep wondering what if? I know everyone has their what if's, it's just the first time that I have had a what if I would have gone ahead and took him to the doctor, would he still be here. What if I would have taken him home, would someone have died in my truck today? What if I would have gone to his house to check on him, would I have found him dead? So many difficult thoughts to deal with. My husband tells me that I am going to have to understand that I can't think about the what if's. That I did all I knew to do, that it was his time to die. But it's not that easy on the inside. I get to where I think I am doing better, and then I run into someone who says to my face that they would have taken him to the doctor, and the thoughts come creeping right back in.
I am not one to live with the what if's. I tell my parents that I love them every chance I get. My husband pray's with us everyday before we leave our house, and never miss the I love you's. If I have problem's with friends, I go to them and say "lets talk about it", I don't miss birthday parties, family holiday time. But this time the What If, is permanent. I can't go back, I have to move on and make this a life lesson. The lesson that we may not even have the next hour. I talked to him just 2 hours before he died, not knowing that he was going to go home, sit in his chair and never open his eyes again. My friend used to always tell me, you have to live now, do everything you want to do, take a nice vacation and do something you have always wanted to do. He made provisions for his family, he planned his own funeral down to the last detail in his will. It has really made me st0p and think about my life. Am I living everyday as if there is no tomorrow? Have I talked to my friends enough about Christ? What can I do to make this sort of thing easier for my famly? I am here to say, that you may never have another chance to witness to a friend you spoke to just an hour ago. It might be time for you to go, or time for them to go, either way you should understand that the only time you have is right now. You never know when you are going to get that phone call, a phone call my husband and I received 8 times in the year 2000. Ages ranging from 6 to 86. Your lifetime may only be 6 months, 35 or 87 years. Every life is different, but we must treat them all the same. As if today is the only day you have with them.
Be thankful for today,when you wake up thank God for another day and pray that your heart, mind, and soul will be open to all hearts. We are to be the friends of sinners. I would rather listen to my friend talk about Jesus, than some complete stranger on the street. It's your day to make a new friend and share the love of Christ.